


A Deal of Matchless Value

by starlalalala



Series: no dawn [6]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark God Ryan, Dissociation, Gen, I CAN FINALLY USE THAT TAG, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Possession, Psychological Trauma, Sky Factory AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 10:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13856244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlalalala/pseuds/starlalalala
Summary: Gavin's back, but he's not back, and he doesn't know what to do.





	A Deal of Matchless Value

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'I Am the Antichrist to You' by Kishi Bashi.
> 
> As always, I would recommend reading the first parts before this one. They are... significantly shorter, anyway.
> 
> Working title for this was 'Everybody's Fucking Traumatised'
> 
> Thanks to Romanee for help with the editing <3

Lindsay threaded her fingers through Gavin’s. She played with them idly, lifting them and letting them fall. Gavin paid attention to every movement. He focused on how the muscles worked, tried to commit it to memory so he could do it himself.

“I’ll be leaving soon,” Lindsay told him. Gavin couldn’t see her. His eyes were still shut, after three days. She sounded sad.

Gavin was too. He didn’t want Lindsay to leave.

“I’ve gotta tell the others that the Dark God’s gone. About what happened here,” she continued. Of course. Lindsay split her time between them and a few other settlements. He wondered how the others had faired –he couldn’t remember the Dark God finding Trevor or Matt or Steffie. Then again, he couldn’t remember a lot, so it’s not like that meant anything. “With the new armour Jack’s built the journey will be quick. I’ll be gone two weeks at most, okay?”

Gavin sort of wanted to nod, or squeeze her hand, or give some sort of acknowledgement he’d heard. He liked Lindsay. She was his favourite when she’d come and sit with him. Meaningless conversations about things that didn’t matter, things she’d made, who Booker had coughed up a hairball on today. Her voice never wavered or wobbled and she never  cried. Just held his hand sometimes and talked like everything was normal.

The chair shifted next to him, and suddenly there was warmth by his face, his hair gently moving with her breath.

“I’ll see you soon, okay, Gav?” Pressure on his forehead. A kiss. “Try and wake up, please? The guys aren’t doing too well.”

He felt her absence as something solid and real. He shoved it to the side and focused on his fingers, trying to remember how she’d moved them.

A twitch.

***

The annoying thing was, Gavin was rarely alone.

He wanted to be alone. Lindsay was alright, but the others wanted too much, expected too much, felt too much and made him feel too much.

Gavin couldn’t practice moving when they were around. He’d cracked his eyes open to see an empty, wooden room –it looked like something Geoff or Jack would make, practical but comfortable. He’d managed to clench his fingers into a fist, and once he’d even lifted his wrist.

He couldn’t move an inch, though, not with Geoff right next to him.

Geoff had a habit of ignoring the chair next to Gavin’s bed and hopping in next to him. His head rested on Gavin’s hair, the rest of their bodies barely touching except for the arm around Gavin’s shoulder. It was painful, the light contact like pins and needles all over his skin. It soothed something inside of him, made him want to curl up and rest, but that’s what he’d done before, isn’t it? He’d focused on nothing but how wonderful it was to  _ feel. _ He’d nearly disappeared.

And Geoff had fallen asleep next to him, his breathing deep and even. It would be easy to let the sound lull Gavin into a doze. His eyes were already closed –why not just sleep, like the others thought he was doing?

He couldn’t, though. This time he might not come back.

Gavin could’ve sobbed with relief when a knock on the door jolted Geoff back to consciousness.

“Come in,” Geoff called, voice rough from sleep and something else. Tears, maybe. Gavin had thought maybe the others would cry less now that the Dark God was gone. He was wrong.

“It’s me.” Jack’s voice cut through the heavy atmosphere in the room, and Gavin would’ve slumped in relief if the movement wouldn’t have drawn attention to him. He hoped the two of them wouldn’t notice how tense he was. “You need some rest.”

“I was getting some rest,” Geoff snapped.

“Geoff–”

“No, no, I’m sorry,” Geoff said, anger disappearing as quickly as it had come, leaving exhaustion in its wake. A sigh raised goosebumps on Gavin’s neck. “He shouldn’t be alone, Jack. I don’t want him to be alone.”

“You can’t sleep like that,” Jack insisted gently, and Gavin heard his footsteps as he crossed the room, stopping by Geoff’s side of the bed. “We can’t have someone with him all the time. There’s too much we have to do, especially…”

_ Especially one short, _ Gavin finished.

“What if he wakes up and we’re not there?” Geoff demanded, and Gavin was jostled, the arm around his shoulder tightening as if Geoff was afraid Jack would drag him off, as if he was afraid something would take Gavin away.

Gavin couldn’t really blame him.

It took a long moment for Jack to respond.

“He’s safe, Geoff,” Jack promised, and the vice grip around Gavin loosened. “He’s here, and if he wakes up we’ll be nearby, okay?”

“ _ When _ he wakes up,” Geoff insisted, but Gavin knew he’d lost the argument, could feel Geoff shift away, the arm around him lifting. His hair was ruffled and then smoothed back into place by a gentle hand. “When he wakes up, Jack.”

A pause. “Of course,” Jack agreed, stopping another fight before it could start.

Geoff must have known Jack was only trying to placate him, but he left the room without any more fuss, the door falling shut behind the two of them.

Finally, Gavin was alone.

He only wished that didn’t mean he was so cold.

***

The problem was simple. Gavin wasn’t Gavin.

At least, he didn’t feel like Gavin. He wasn’t  _ sure _ if he was Gavin. He had some memories of a man who had been Gavin, sensations and events and knowledge that left him nauseous because they were  _ so much _ . The others called him Gavin. Gavin and the Dark God had been in the same body, and he wasn’t the Dark God, so it stood to simple reason that he was Gavin.

So why did the name feel unnatural? Why did his own body feel like a heavy costume? How close could you get to being nothing and still be something? Still be what you were, who you were, before?

Gavin could move his arms now. He could wiggle his toes if he tried really hard. His muscles were mostly fine. The Dark God had probably left this body in better shape than he’d entered it in. It was Gavin that was the problem, his commands too weak or only half-remembered, getting lost along the way.

The others wanted him to wake up, but the truth was Gavin had barely slept since he’d first woken up to a massive presence missing from his head that he was too small to fill.

Ryan had recovered so quickly because Ryan had fought. Ryan must have fought so  _ hard _ , did everything he could to maintain a sense of self, refused to be pushed into the little space the Dark God created in his mind.

Gavin had let himself be pushed into that space, and then let that space get smaller and smaller, until by the time the Dark God was gone he no longer felt he could fill a whole mind.

Opening his eyes, telling the others that he was awake, returning their hugs and holding their hands –by now, he could do that. But he couldn’t deal with their expectations. Their hope that things would just… go back to the way they were, when the memories Gavin had of that time seemed to belong to a completely different person. He wasn’t the person they missed. He wasn’t the person they loved.

So Gavin kept his eyes closed when they looked, and tried to make a plan when they were gone.

***

Jeremy and Michael visited him almost as much as Geoff, and they were almost always together.

Jeremy would sit beside him and Michael would pace, endlessly, all around the room. The constant footsteps made it difficult to focus on whatever Jeremy was saying to him. Gavin didn’t think that was always a bad thing.

Jeremy would tell him about their day, about how his work on the blood altar was going, about how Booker was doing. Similar to Lindsay, but he always worded it like he was trying to bargain with Gavin to wake up.

“We’re still having some problems with power ‘cause we’ve got no solar panels. Ryan’s trying, but you were always best at it, y’know?”

“Getting the blood altar back up and running has been slow going without my favourite blood bag.”

“Booker seems to want some more company, since we’re all so busy. I think he misses his second favourite person.”

On and on, until Jeremy’s voice cracked and his breath hitched and he didn’t say anymore, and Michael’s pacing stopped beside him.

Michael whispered something into Jeremy’s ear that Gavin didn’t catch, and he heard the chair scrape against the floorboards. Gavin had heard enough of their footsteps to know it was Jeremy that left the room, taking the beginning of a proper crying fit with him.

The door swung shut behind him. The room seemed too still. 

Michael sighed and brushed the hair from Gavin’s forehead –Gavin couldn’t decide if he wanted to flinch away or lean into the touch. It didn’t matter. Either movement would give him away, so he stayed still.

“Take your time, Gavvy,” he said eventually. “Just come back, alright?”

_ I can’t come back _ , Gavin wanted to say.  _ I’m not who you want. _

But he said nothing, and soon enough Michael followed Jeremy out the door.

***

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited much. I’ve been busy,” Jack said.

He’d been sitting in Gavin’s room for about 20 minutes before he spoke. He never said much on his few visits. Once he never said anything at all.

Jack didn’t touch him, either.

“That’s a lie.” Gavin almost startled when Jack continued, but, well. He’d gotten pretty good at lying still this past week. “I mean, I’ve been busy. We all have. Geoff’s farm was probably the most untouched, and even he’s trying to figure out how to get some of his chickens back. I can’t do any fusion because it takes too much power and we don’t have any to spare without…”

Jack sighed, and Gavin heard him shifting. He waited patiently for Jack to begin again.

“It’s hard. Being around the others,” Jack explained, quietly, like he was afraid everyone would hear. “They all –Geoff and Jeremy seem to think you’ll wake up any minute and things will go right back to how they were. Michael’s convinced you just need time. Ryan is… he’s not doing great.” Gavin wasn’t sure Jack was talking to him. It was clear the words had been pent up for a while, sticking sharp and twisted into his chest.

“And I, I want you to wake up, Gav,” Jack continued, tripping over his words in his haste. “Please don’t think I don’t, but, I’ve been there already, okay? I thought you were back and you weren’t, and I just, I can’t go through with that again, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be as sure as the others, I’m sorry I don’t think things  _ can _ go back to the way they were.”

Gavin wanted to reach out. To show Jack he wasn’t gone, not completely, that he was  _ here _ , just not like he was, and maybe Jack would understand. The sound of Jack’s heavy breathing filled the room. Gavin  _ wanted _ to hold him, for as long as he could without feeling hurt and trapped. He wanted to be held with his eyes open and his mind his own and his body under his control. All it would take was opening his eyes. Jack would do the rest.

The moment passed. Jack stood.

“I’ll… visit again. Soon. I promise.”

***

Jeremy had fallen silent a while ago. He’d brought in Booker, or Booker had followed him, and now there was a warm, purring weight on Gavin’s chest. Gavin found he didn’t mind it quite as much. He didn’t feel like he could suffocate from the pressure.

The door opened and closed, and Gavin recognised Geoff’s footsteps. For a long time, there was silence.

“What’s going on, Jeremy?”

Gavin didn’t hear a reply. He could only guess Jeremy shrugged.

“Jeremy–”

“I’m just tired,” Jeremy said before Geoff could chastise him. “Blood loss.”

“Jeremy,” Geoff repeated, exasperated.

“I’m fine if I hang out here,” Jeremy replied, a little defensive and a dozen memories flew through Gavin’s mind of Jeremy with that same tone, shoulders hunched and looking away defiantly. He wanted to open his eyes and check.

He didn’t.

“You blood altar’s regeneration thing?” Geoff guessed, and Jeremy must’ve nodded. “Okay. You want to tell me what else is wrong?”

“Are you serious?” Jeremy laughed, a bitter, cruel sound that didn’t suit him at all. Geoff tried to speak, but only got as far as the  _ Jer _ before Jeremy was talking over him.

“Gavin hasn’t woken up, Geoff, and Jack and Ryan are already thinking that he won’t. Michael’s just trying to  _ ignore _ it and Jack looks at me like I’m –like I’m.” Jeremy cut himself off with a frustrated snarl.

When he spoke next, he was quieter. Calmer. Sadder.

“I know things aren’t going to be the same. I’m not an idiot,” Jeremy said and Geoff made a soft sound. Jeremy kept talking. “I just want Gavin to wake up, okay? Do you know how long it’s been since we spoke to him?”

Gavin kind of hoped Geoff would answer Jeremy’s question, because he really didn’t know. He would guess about a month, maybe a week or so more, but the days had blurred together.

No such luck. “Everyone’s dealing with this in their own way, Jeremy,” Geoff said instead, and Gavin really hoped he had a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder, or better yet, his arms around him. Jeremy got upset every time he visited, but Gavin could never remember him sounding so  _ bitter _ . “Michael’s not ignoring it. He’s just trying to be patient. Jack’s… having a hard time.”

Gavin didn’t miss that Geoff didn’t mention Ryan. If Jeremy noticed, he didn’t comment.

“I should’ve noticed. Before he left. I should’ve noticed.” The words were well-trodden, familiar enough to come easily to Jeremy and Gavin waited for Geoff to tell Jeremy he’s  _ wrong _ .

“Why do you think that?” Geoff asked instead, and Gavin could’ve gotten up just to hit him.

“I didn’t  _ notice _ , Geoff!” The chair hit the floor with a thud that rocked Gavin’s bed and had Booker meowing loudly in complaint. “He was planning it for who knows how long and I  _ didn’t notice. _ ”

“Neither did I,” Geoff said evenly. “Neither did Jack, or Michael.”

“You and Jack were busy,” Jeremy insisted, “and Michael was injured, of course you wouldn’t, but I was by Gavin the whole time–”

“Maybe I should’ve been too,” Geoff said, and Gavin could  _ hear _ the shrug in his voice. “Maybe Jack and I should’ve paid more attention to him –to both of you –instead of pretending to make a plan when we were as lost and scared as you. Michael was conscious the whole time, maybe he could’ve figured it out.”

“That’s not–”

“Hell, if Ryan never summoned that bastard none of this would’ve happened.”

“He couldn’t have  _ known _ ,” Jeremy insisted, his distress tugging at something inside Gavin, something that reminded him of nights when the blood altar took a little too much, when their weird inventions turned a little too dangerous. “None of the texts said anything about the possession being  _ instant _ , and the rest of you, you all had your own things to worry about–”

“So did you, Jeremy,” Geoff said. His tone was kind, but firm. “We’d just lost Ryan, and we didn’t know if we were gonna get him back. Michael had been hurt and we had to run from our home.”

Gavin wanted to nod, to agree, anything to tell Jeremy it wasn’t his fault. But he lay frozen, forced to hope that Geoff would do his job for him.

“We can’t mess around trying to blame someone for this, Jeremy,” Geoff continued, and now he sounded tired, some of the weight gone from his voice. “What’s done is done, and we’re okay, and Gavin’s… Gavin’s going to be okay. You have to let this go, okay?”

There was quiet while Jeremy thought it over.

“I know,” Jeremy said, slowly, and Geoff and Gavin both waited patiently for him to continue. “I –I know, it’s just. I feel like I could have done something. We were close, you know? After Ryan. It felt like you three just wanted to kill him and be done with it. And I  _ know _ you didn’t.” Geoff had been about to say something, Gavin could hear it in his breath –but he was silent as Jeremy continued. “It was hard for you, too, but it just felt… like Gavin and I were the only ones who wanted him back, and I thought, y’know. He’d tell me if he came up with a plan or anything.”

Gavin couldn’t quite recall the feelings of the Gavin that decided to approach the Dark God. He hadn’t meant to hurt Jeremy. He was certain of that. He didn’t think that Gavin had thought about Jeremy at all, really, beyond how much happier he’d be with Ryan back. 

“I don’t think he didn’t trust you, Jeremy.” Gavin risked it –opened his eyes just enough to see Geoff and Jeremy, framed in his lashes. He watched as Geoff tugged Jeremy into a hug, arms wrapped tight around him, head tucked into Jeremy’s shoulder. It was a little awkward, with Jeremy sitting and Geoff standing. It didn’t seem to bother either of them.

The sight soothed something in Gavin, and he let his eyes slip closed again.

When Geoff spoke again, it was muffled.

“He knew we’d try to stop him.” Gavin heard fabric rustling –Jeremy nodding against Geoff’s chest, maybe.

They stayed for some time, the only sound the calm, steady breathing of the three of them. For once, Gavin didn’t mind the company.

“C’mon,” Geoff said, tugging Jeremy up. “Let’s help with dinner, huh?”

The door closed behind them. Gavin wondered when they would be back.

***

It was frustrating.

The Dark God had taken from him in patches. He could perfectly remember working on solar panels and his little rivalry with Ryan, but not how serious that rivalry had been. He could remember helping Jeremy at the blood altar, but not if he’d laughed with Jeremy when things went sideways. 

He’d had to relearn how to move practically from scratch. And he knew the others had called him clingy before, knew he’d climbed on Jeremy and Jack and cuddled with Geoff and Michael and even Ryan would just sigh good-naturedly whenever Gavin sat too close.

Now he could barely be held for a minute before panic clawed up from his mind, nausea rising up and he still couldn’t  _ move _ , terrified of the others, of his friends, because they wanted too much from him.

And he couldn’t even really remember why. 

It would be better, Gavin thought, if he just knew why. There was some obvious reasons for what he’d done. He knew that the Gavin who’d made the deal had loved Ryan. Had loved all of them, and wanted them to be safe. He’s pretty sure he’d do the same thing now, if maybe change the terms of the deal a little.

But Geoff and Jeremy didn’t seem to understand that, or at least didn’t approve.

Gavin stretched, looking around the room. Jack had left him some flowers. Jeremy seemed to have installed a cat flap on the door so Booker could keep him company whenever the cat wanted a warm seat. There were books Geoff had left behind from his visit, and scuff marks on the floor from Michael’s pacing.

Gavin sighed, pushing his back off the bed, testing the weight his legs could take. He collapsed after 15 slow seconds, and worked to fix the sheets.

What’s done was done. Now they’d all have to live with it.

***

When Jack next visited, he dragged the chair closer and rested his head on Gavin’s stomach, hands cushioning his face.

It –it didn’t feel like any contact Gavin had had while within the Dark God, and so he let himself enjoy it. Let himself feel warm again. Jack hadn’t touched him much since he’d been there. It was nice.

It was nice and it was easy to drift off. Too easy. He could feel himself slipping away, falling into that space the Dark God had carved out for him. Not a space. More like a pit. A well Gavin had to claw himself out of over and over and over again and he’d always, always fall right back in–

Gavin was breathing too fast. Jack had noticed, and suddenly the warmth was gone and Gavin missed it but he was  _ glad _ , it left him so cold but helped him focus, helped him feel the rest of his body again, the stiffness in his joints where they hadn’t been stretched for hours, the pounding in his head, the blood rushing in his ears. The Dark God was gone, he could feel, he could think, this was  _ his body _ –

“Gavin?” Jack asked. Gavin needed to calm down, even out his breathing or else he’d give himself away. He wasn’t ready, not yet. Couldn’t face Jack or anyone else when he still didn’t know who he was. Gavin had to calm down, had to calm down, if he could just breathe a little slower, if he could get himself under control. This was his body! He could control it, right?

There were hands on his face, wiping away tears he didn’t know were spilling, and they were warm, too warm, he was going to burn up. He whimpered, wanting to pull away but he couldn’t, this wasn’t his body, wasn’t his body, he couldn’t do anything.

“Gavin!” Jack yelled, too loud but that was good, meant there wasn’t anything stopping Gavin from hearing him, no veil between him and the rest of the world. The hands were gone and he was left blessedly cold, hoping that the feeling would stay, and he heard Jack moving around as his breathing evened out and he slowly began to feel his body again.

When Jack returned Gavin felt something near his face and he winced, but it wasn’t skin that met skin, just a cool, damp cloth that washed the tears from his face. Something he could focus on and relax into without being afraid. He let go of the tension he didn’t realise he’d been holding himself with, too exhausted to care when Jack’s breath hitched.

“You’re still there,” Jack whispered, more to himself than to Gavin. The cloth dropped from his face to the bed. “You’re still here, Gav.”

With air still cooling the dampness left on his face, it didn’t burn when gentle fingers held his chin, didn’t hurt when he felt the scratchiness of Jack’s beard against his cheek.

“You’re gonna be okay,” Jack said, with confidence even Jeremy couldn’t find. Gavin believed it, for a moment.

He wouldn’t lie here forever. One day, something would shift.

Maybe one day soon.

***

Jack must’ve told the others, because for the first time, Ryan came to visit.

Michael was already there, and for a moment Gavin was confused, because Michael didn’t greet the newcomer. Gavin couldn’t recognise the footsteps that hesitantly entered his room and really, that left it to process of elimination. It had to be Ryan.

The two of them didn’t talk to each other and they didn’t talk to Gavin, tension seeping into the room until the air was thick with it. Michael didn’t leave and Ryan seemed determined to stay. Until one of them shifted, Gavin was stuck, certain that both of their eyes were fixed on him.

“How has he… been?” Ryan asked eventually. Gavin hadn’t heard Ryan since he the Dark God left. His voice didn’t compare with what Gavin remembered –too quiet and uncertain.

“How the fuck do you think?” Michael snapped, but there wasn’t much energy to it. The anger was barely there, old and worn out, fraying at the edges. It had disappeared by the time Michael spoke again. “He twitches sometimes. He hasn’t opened his eyes yet.”

“Oh,” Ryan said.

The awkwardness between Michael and Ryan had to be something to do with him. Gavin wasn’t sure what, though. He’s pretty sure they would’ve patched up Dark God Ryan trying to kill Michael by now.

“I’m–” they said at the same time. There was a strained chuckle from Ryan and an exasperated sigh from Michael, and some of the tension disappeared.

“Me first,” Michael said, and kept talking before Ryan could interrupt. “I’m sorry. I –I’m not sorry for being mad at you at first, for summoning the Dark God without telling us, or for fighting you the first time before we knew anything.” The words spilled out in a rush, clearly something Michael had been thinking about for a while, and Ryan’s soft noise of hurt wasn’t going to stop him. “But I am sorry for how I acted after Gavin –after you came back. You were hurt and scared just like the rest of us and it was Gavin who made the decision, not you.”

“Michael, no,” Ryan said, and Gavin felt confident enough to crack his eyes open. Their focus wasn’t on him –eyes locked together as Ryan stepped forward, stopping just shy of Michael’s reach. “Of course you were mad. I –I caused this. Gavin never would’ve made the deal if I never summoned  _ him _ in the first place. I nearly got you all killed. Nearly got Gavin… gone. All because I wanted to know what would happen.”

“You wanna know why I was so mad?” Michael asked. Gavin couldn’t see his expression, turned towards Ryan with his curls casting a shadow over what Gavin could see. Ryan’s downward spiral was stopped in its tracks, head tilted in a gesture that was startlingly innocent.

“…Because I stabbed you and got Gavin possessed by an evil god?” Ryan guessed and Michael snorted, his amusement turning into laughter at Ryan’s affronted expression. The laughter was maybe a bit more hysterical than anyone wanted to acknowledge, but it got rid of the rest of the tension in the room, and Ryan seemed to relax.

“I mean, yeah,” Michael agreed when he calmed down. Gavin could still hear the smile in his voice. It faded as he continued. “But I mean, I was angry because I just. Wanted to blame you.”

“Michael…”

“I didn’t wanna think that it could’ve been me. I summoned Gaia, remember? With everyone’s help, maybe, but I still did it. It showed up as some shadow me but it could’ve been something worse and I still did it because, y’know, progress.” Michael shrugged, aiming for casual and missing, badly. Gavin shut his eyes before Michael turned his head. “It could’ve been me, just as easily. Maybe we would’ve been better prepared, but… I know you didn’t mean to, I guess.”

“…Geoff and Jeremy talked to me. About why they think Gavin made the deal,” Ryan said after a moment. Gavin listened closely.

“Yeah?”

“They figure Gavin thought since I was the one who knew the most about the Dark God, I’d be able to help stop him. But I didn’t, did I? I just gave up. Lindsay figured out the banishment. She and Jack made the pillars. You slayed the dragon, and Geoff and Jeremy worked harder to distract him than I did.” Gavin heard a thump, and flashed his eyes open in time to see Ryan slump against the wall by Michael’s chair. “If they’re right, he believed in me, and I did nothing.”

Gavin had been holding his breath. It was a miracle the others hadn’t noticed.

“You saved me.”

Ryan didn’t have much to say to that.

“He’s gonna need you, you know,” Michael said after a long moment. “When he wakes up.”

“I don’t know what I can do,” Ryan confessed. “I tried to fight, when the Dark God was within me. I tried to stop him, but he pushed me away and cut me apart and…” Ryan sighed heavily. “Fighting with everything I had, I only barely held myself together. Gavin didn’t have the option to fight. What do you think he went through? How do you think he’s… what do you think…”

Ryan trailed off, unable or unwilling to voice his fears.

“I want him back, Michael. I do, but what if he’s… I don’t want him to hurt anymore,” Ryan managed.

“It’ll still be Gavin, though,” Michael said, blunt and to the point. “We’ll be there to help him. Anything else we can deal with. You know that, right?”

“Yes,” Ryan said, quietly. “I do.”

“We’ll deal with everything else when it comes to it.” Michael spoke with perfect confidence, as if it could really be that simple.

Maybe it could be.

“I want him back, Michael.”

“Me too.”

***

When Gavin finally got out of bed, he groaned with the effort. He had been stretching his legs when the others weren’t around, but evidently not enough, because they still complained when he stumbled towards the door.

He got up when he was left alone, letting himself be a coward if he needed to be –letting himself have the opportunity to go back to bed if he chickened out. And with every step away from the bed, he felt the urge. The urge to go back, lie down, and not deal with any of this. Not think about how he wasn’t sure what he lost within the Dark God, what couldn’t be returned or replaced. Not deal with the others’ pain.

But in the end, when he stood in front of the door, he reached for the handle.

The first thing he felt was the sun on his skin. He knew he had loved it, once. Now the warmth covering his whole body felt too close to the feeling the Dark God had forced on him. Gavin stuck to the shade, forcing himself forward. He wouldn’t hide because of the sunlight.

Maybe one day he would be able to enjoy it again.

His room had apparently been built right in the centre of their platform, surrounded by storage chests and the old barrels they used to make dirt.

It was also right across from Jeremy’s blood altar.

“Gavin!”

It was too late to go back now. Gavin wouldn’t if he could.

Jeremy looked, well, awful. The bags under his eyes were as dark as bruises, his skin pale from work at the blood altar and face blotched with red spots. But his smile was bright and beautiful and something Gavin hadn’t seen in too long, and he didn’t even care when Jeremy barrelled him over and they hit the ground with a thump.

“Gavin,” Jeremy said again, and tightened his grip. Gavin enjoyed it while he could. Took the time to feel happy that he was back, that Jeremy was here and safe and the others would hear the commotion and make their way over soon.

“Hi, Jeremy,” Gavin murmured from below him, voice rough with disuse, Jeremy’s eyes tearing up as he hid his face in Gavin’s shoulder. It was wonderful, for a while, but then Gavin felt himself slipping just a bit, panic teasing at the edge of his mind and he squirmed and weakly pushed until Jeremy sat up.

“Gavin?” Jeremy asked, and Gavin wanted to tease him for apparently not being able to say anything other than his name, but instead he just forced a smile and kept a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder, keeping him at bay.

“Need a bit of space, Lil’ J,” he managed, and watched confusion turn to something like understanding in Jeremy’s face before they were interrupted.

“Jeremy? What’s–” Jack stumbled into view, nearly tripping in his haste to find out the source of the shout. When he saw the two of them, he froze.

“Jack,” Gavin began. He couldn’t really expect Jack to trust this, not after everything.

But Jack didn’t seem to care. He dropped to his knees by Gavin, and the only reason he didn’t pull Gavin into a hug was Jeremy’s warning hand.

Jack took in their position –Gavin keeping Jeremy away just a bit, but holding onto the contact –and seemed to understand, instead slowly reaching out with one hand.

“Is this okay?” Jack asked, giving Gavin plenty of time to reply, pull away, whatever. But Gavin nodded, and so Jack cupped the back of Gavin’s neck and gently pulled him forward until their foreheads brushed together.

“Good to have you back, Gav,” Jack said, as earnest as ever, and Gavin squeezed his eyes shut, keeping tears away by sheer force of will.

He didn’t even notice when Geoff and Michael arrived together, only opened his eyes when there was a hand on his shoulder and a new voice calling his name, and Jack leaned away so Gavin could see Michael, who was tearing up but not quite crying, and Geoff, who definitely  _ was _ crying, and it was Geoff’s hand on his shoulder and Michael held himself back, cautious, like he was afraid Gavin would break if he got to close.

“C’mere, boi.” Gavin reached out and Michael practically tackled him, only the others’ grip that kept them from hitting the ground. Michael held him tightly, crushed their chests together until Gavin could barely breathe, and it was good, it was great, and the second it was too much, the second it became suffocating rather than comforting, Michael pulled away without Gavin needing to tell him, a silly, dopey grin on his face that Gavin couldn’t help but return.

A shadow passed over their expressions for a moment, and Gavin had a feeling he knew why.

They recovered quickly though, and Geoff ruffled his hair, Jeremy held his hand, Jack’s hold moved to his shoulder and squeezed, and he couldn’t look away from Michael’s eyes.

Ryan’s nuclear plant was closer than Michael or Geoff had been. Still, Gavin was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt when he arrived last –the reactors could be pretty loud.

Gavin first saw him just behind Michael. When Michael noticed his gaze was focused on something over his shoulder, he looked back.

Gavin wasn’t sure what passed between them in that moment, but Michael moved aside to make room for Ryan.

Still, Ryan didn’t approach. He hesitated, clearly conflicted, so Gavin made the invitation and reached out his hand.

Apparently it was all Ryan needed.

Step by step he came closer, and Jack and Geoff helped Gavin to his feet. His legs were still a little shaky, and Ryan’s silence was starting to get to him, but none of that mattered when Ryan stood in front of him. With barely a pause, Ryan reached out.

Ryan’s hands trailed over his skin, barely making contact and leaving goosebumps over his arms, like he wanted to make sure Gavin was real but was too afraid he’d disappear as soon as Ryan touched him.

“You’re back,” Ryan whispered, the sound loud enough to shatter the hush that had fallen over the group.

“Yeah,” Gavin replied, and maybe it wasn’t quite that simple. He wasn’t back to how he had been. He wasn’t the same Gavin who’d approached the Dark God and made a deal… but that Gavin also wasn’t the same Gavin who’d refused to take off his rainbow jetpack for more practical armour, or who’d accidentally destroyed the platform they stood on. And Ryan wasn’t the same Ryan who’d summoned the Dark God to their world.

It wasn’t quite that simple. But it was enough.

“I’m back.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> And it's done! I may revisit this 'verse from time to time, but as for the main storyline, this is it. This counts as a happy ending, right?
> 
> I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read, kudos, bookmark, and/or comment on this series. Even though it's in separate parts, this is my first completed multi-'chapter' fic in the fandom, and my first fic this long in quite some time. Your support means a lot <3
> 
> As always, you can find me at starlalalala.tumblr.com


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